First World Craft Beer Problems I would say I’m...

First World Craft Beer Problems

I would say I’m quite a pleasant gent 99% of the time, but I have my rare fits of rage like any sensible and healthy human being would. The key to properly exhausting this rage, though, is to do so in a manner that channels it towards something unquestionably dumb, and then be done with it. Move on, immediately, and do not look back. With that in mind, I’m going to point out a few First World Craft Beer Problems and tell you how stupid they are. What do I mean by this? I’ve seen record amounts of whining lately and most of the time it’s about something completely nonsensical, or it’s some awful inward argument that no one in the real world cares about. So, in order to exhaust my rage, I’m going to tackle a few of them. Then I’m going to breathe, and never speak about any of them again on this web site. Let us commence. ALSO, I have to point out that I’ve seen each of these arguments, almost word for word, on certain web sites.

“White IPAs are really just hoppy Belgian Wheat Beers, and should be categorized as such.” I doubt this is going to gain the steam that “Black IPA vs CDA” has, but by God, I might never use the internet again if it does. I think by now we can all acknowledge that “IPA” is synonymous with “Hoppy.” What, then, do you call a witbier that has been brewed with more hops than normal? “Hoppy Witbier?” To have these arguments over whether or not it should be called an IPA or a witbier is to, again, totally miss the point of the beer. When I tried Saranac White IPA, I grabbed the bottle, read the side and then saw that it was brewed to witbier specs, but with more hops. Why the hell is that so hard to understand? Does calling it “White IPA” or “Hoppy Witbier” have an effect on how the beer tastes? No. Craft consumers like IPAs. Breweries are going to do whatever they can to keep them relevant. Accept that, and move on. And I especially don’t mind because it’s resulting in some damn good beers.

Likewise, the futile Black IPA vs CDA argument continues, and on top of that we’ve now got a West Coast IPA vs American-Style IPA argument perpetuating, as if you can argue there is any damn difference between the two, as various people attempt to rigidly conform each style to arbitrary guidelines. All of these arguments over how styles should be presented to people and no time spent on actually presenting them to people who don’t even know these beers exist.

“Certain beers are getting too expensive and they aren’t worth the price.” Now, I’ll have to throw myself under the bus for this particular one also, because I’m just as guilty as anyone else is for taking part in this argument, or even fueling it. Do I think there’s a huge gap in quality between expensive beers and cheaper ones? No, not really. Do I think the expensive releases miss the mark more than they hit one out of the park? Yeah, probably. But there has to be a point for all of us to step back, gain a little perspective, and take a few seconds to realize that we are arguing about the price of a niche product’s niche product. If you don’t think it’s worth it, speak with your wallet and don’t buy it. Tell me when I’ll have to walk out of a liquor store having paid $16 for a sixer of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Then I’ll be upset.

“I don’t like *insert craft brewer here* anymore, they’ve watered down their beer ever since they got big/since they were purchased by a big brewer/since they allowed investors to grab bigger shares of their company.” Some idiot will always say something like this, and I’m counting down the minutes until someone claims that “Goose Island India Pale Ale” isn’t as hoppy/full-bodied as it once was. Look, if you’re going to automatically not like a brewer because they now associate with corporate folks, go right ahead. But you’re a moron if you do. I don’t need to go too far into explaining why, but keep the following in mind: Palates change, so do styles. In the mid 90s, Anchor’s “Liberty Ale” was considered an archetypal American-style India Pale Ale. Now it probably isn’t considered hoppy enough. Do you think that’s because Anchor is putting fewer hops in its beer or because beers such as “60 Minute IPA” have raised the bar for hop levels? Think about it, don’t lazily assume that sub-standard beer is leaving the brewery because they now have owners with deep pockets.

“I’ve tried introducing my Bud-drinking friends to craft, but they keep resisting. Some of them have even tried some of the craft world’s highest-rated beers and said they were “too bitter” or “too strong.” Can you believe that?” Shocking. I know it must be hard for you to stomach the fact that other people don’t possess the profound, impervious palate that you do. Did it ever dawn on you that A) Maybe people are happy with what they’re drinking already? B) Maybe they just aren’t interested in beer enough to consider changing? C) You’re probably alienating them with how pompous and irritating you are? Look, not everyone cares about craft beer, or is going to care about craft beer, and you’re not going to turn people on to craft beer by telling them that they’re drinking crap or implying that they are.

The next one isn’t a problem, exactly. It’s just the type of thing I read when a reviewer is clearly blowing smoke up your ass.

“The malt wafts across the palate like a thin, plastic bag caught in a breeze; you try desperately to cling to it, but the second you believe you’ve captured it, it escapes your grasp, leaving you with the feeling that you never had it at all. It’s compounded by faint, yet pungent hints of crowberries, persimmons and wolfberries that have reduced in Chenin Blanc along with minerally blood sausage and haggis notes. Also, under the veneer is a smell evoking memories of my Uncle Al’s backyard in Charleston.”

If you claim that your palate is unquestionably superior to the rest because you can detect ethyl acetate in however many parts per million, do you know what that makes you? Full of shit. “The Land of Misfit Literature and English Majors” resides at the Pitchfork offices. We don’t need any of them trickling out into the land of beer reviewing.